Borrell Convinces Putin To Repurpose Nord Stream 2 As Vaccine Delivery Pipe

Top EU diplomat wins concession from Russia despot, forgets how vaccines actually work

EU foreign affairs chief Josep Borrell triumphantly announced that controversial undersea pipeline Nord Stream 2 will be repurposed by Russia. Instead of pumping in gas, Moscow will flood northern Germany with its Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccine.


During his Russia visit, Borrell dodged accusations that he had done nothing to help jailed opposition figurehead Alexey Navalny by revealing the new plans for Nord Stream 2, an energy project that has divided Europe for years.


"Nord Stream 2 will be brought online, but instead of gas, Russia's wonderful vaccine will flow straight to where it is needed," the confused diplomat told reporters. "Deliveries start tomorrow, when 100 million cubic metres will be pumped across the Baltic."


A few journalists tried to point out to Borrell that so much vaccine cannot possibly exist and that delivering it by pipeline must surely be the worst way of accessing it. "I was sceptical too, until President Putin reassured me it will be ok," the Spaniard insisted.


How Sputnik will go from pipe to vial is still a mystery, however, Borrell's exasperated advisors said that people could just stand at the end of the tube and bathe in the vaccine when it blows through.


At a separate press conference, Putin announced that plans for a Nord Stream 3 are now under development.