The UK's struggle to contain the new mutant strain of coronavirus has prompted the mayor of Venice to deploy a squad of ruthless plague doctors, who are en route to fight the pestilence in the North Sea leper colony.
Black-robed and equipped with hooked beaks filled with acrid spices to ward off the virus, an elite team of Venetian plague doctors will soon arrive on the archipelago to treat infected Brits and contain the spread of the disease.
Venice has kept plague doctors on standby since the 18th century, when the ghostly figures would go door to door lancing boils and daubing red crosses on entranceways to protect the denizens of the city.
Now the current mayor of La Serenissima has extended an olive branch to the UK, where the good doctors will start their work in Kensington before working their way southeast through the garden of England.
Le Chou asked the chief plague doctor to comment on accusations that letting blood and chopping off limbs to stop the spread of the virus are outdated methods no longer in keeping with modern medicine.
However, the beaked physician declined to answer and covered our correspondent in leeches before boarding a gondola bound for plague island.